Yes, it finally happened. I had 'the' meltdown today. Elisabeth Kubler Ross described the signs of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, as of today I think I'm in the second stage- anger. Up until this morning I must have been living in denial- I was ignoring the fact that my standard of living is going to change drastically within a relatively short amount of time. But I have been conditioning myself and living with this denial for quite a few years, and now that separation and divorce are a concrete fact of my life I'm getting to the anger of it all. I'm feeling the 'unfairness' of everything.

Here is the crux of my problem with being married to my husband. I thought it would be 'forever' and that we would always have each other to count on. Before I married my husband I had figured that I would be an independent woman, a woman who could take care of herself and fulfill herself- I wasn't going to go on a 'manhunt' for a husband. Nope, not me. The usual 'modern' claptrap that my generation has grown up listening to. Then I made the mistake of listening to my boyfriend and got married before I ever graduated from college. I had one more year, but figured I could certainly finish 'later'. But 'later' never appeared. Every time we moved somewhere the educational facilities for me and my degree just were not available, unless I wanted to work towards an Associate's degree in Food Services or Mechanics. I got no encouragement from my husband to ever finish my education, so eventually my thoughts of college faded away. All while my husband managed to obtain a Master's degree in business. Looks like his 'career' was all set.

I did alright without my degree, but just alright. Being married to a military officer meant that I was going to buck the system by being a 'working wife', but I did it for as long as I could, until we started our family. Then I became a 'working mother', then we moved three times in three years, hardly time to get settled, much less work at a career. In the end I settled for not so much a 'career' to fall back on, but a steady paycheck to get us a bit ahead.

When we finally settled where we are now I got my real estate license and got busy. I worked steadily for seven years, doing the usual juggle that all working mothers do. On top of being on call 24/7 and having a child who needed extensive therapy for several years. Not easy to do, but I did manage it. Everything was going fairly well, until my husband told me he didn't have any need for me to be in real estate any longer and that I should find a different job. So, there it was- I really didn't have a 'career', I still only had a 'job'. Not much to fall back on.

Eventually I did quit real estate, the stress was really very hard on my psyche and my physique. I have been home for the past six years. And in that time I have battled major depression, a minor stroke, spontaneous hives, plantar facitis, removal of one half of my thyroid, and I am pre-diabetic. And I'm not quite fifty years old. I haven't really wanted to be so self absorbed, but I guess I just can't help it. With all of this it isn't hard to see why I haven't exactly been in the right frame of mind to start in on that 'career' thing again. Not sure what my new 'career' would actually consist of at this point.

So, that leads me to my hissy fit today. I can't even get hired by Target for an hourly wage job. After all this time, and after all the experience I have. I'm not 'old', I'm 'mature'. I am a very personable person when I'm talking to the public. I even know how to make change without a cash register telling me how. I have all the qualifications necessary for my place in the retail world. But the retail world doesn't want me. And I'm just flabbergasted. And angry. I'm not terribly interested in something that is 'entry level' at this point, but I'm afraid that is all I'm going to get- if I'm lucky.

I'm not sure how long this stage is going to last, I have a heck of a lot of anger to work out of my system finally. I had kept it repressed for so many years that it really made me sick. Now that all of this is out in the open I'm hoping to move on to the next stage quickly. Which will be bargaining- I don't really need to make a pact with fate to give me more time. I don't have anything to bargain away, my self respect is already gone. It's time to go forward from now on. Then I can move on to depression. Oh wait, I already have done the depression thing, so it looks like acceptance is going to come next. So, I guess I am that much ahead already. I'm sure the time for acceptance is going to be at hand soon, I think I'll be eager to get there so I can start to rebuild my life. I'm looking forward to it.