I find myself in a state of transition, real transition now. For the past ten years I've been thinking about this day, wondering what I would actually do if it ever came to pass. And now I think it's going to. I'm talking about finally finding myself alone, not lonely mind you, just alone. My marriage has been disintegrating for quite some time, over a decade actually. Which can be quite a long stretch of time, and during all that time I continually told my spouse to 'leave me alone', and now it seems that he is going to. So, I'm going to eventually get my way. Finally.

Am I happy? Well, that remains to be seen. For years my spouse kept asking me if I was 'happy', or what he could do to make me 'happy'. These kinds of questions would seem to be the inquiries of someone who was concerned with my well being, but in reality they were posed with less than kindness in their tone, so I dismissed them. I always knew the motivation behind these questions; if I were 'happy' again then I could once again concentrate my focus on fulfilling his needs, which would return our marriage to the status quo. My husband thought that there was some sort of magical something that I was lacking that he could do to make everything alright again. I think he was hoping that it would be that easy. He always said that he wanted me to change back to how I 'used' to be years before. What he didn't take into account was the fact that he was different, too. But it wasn't so much his changing as mine that he found fault with. And gradually over the course of many years my changing has brought me to this place in the world.

So, where am I this morning? I think a lot of people would describe this point in their lives as standing on a precipice looking down onto the jagged rocks of uncertainty wondering how they would avoid them when they did take the plunge. But there is a lot more involved than that. I think that for the past few years I've been mentally preparing myself for this eventuality, so I'm not sitting around in shock and disbelief. No, right now I'm trying to get my laundry caught up, and I'm trying to plan something for dinner. Fairly everyday kinds of activities, for sure. But I've had a few years to get used to the idea that I could have another life; I will admit that when my husband and I were talking about this yesterday I thought to myself, 'I can't believe that we are having this conversation.' It was pretty surreal. And painful, I certainly don't enjoy making my husband unhappy to the point of tears. That has certainly never been my intention, however I am pretty foolish if I think we can get through this without them. I guess the big goal is to minimize them as much as we both can.