Writing in Ink...

It has been nine months since I last posted on this blog. The reason for the lapse has been because I've started down the most painful and personal part of my journey, one that I realized I didn't feel comfortable sharing with the entire internet. So, I have stayed away intentionally. Someone wrote 'the internet is written in ink' and I keep that in the back of my mind whenever I write, so I haven't posted here while I dealt with these issues.

I have been moving forward with my new found 'freedom'. Some days are really hard, but most days are getting easier and easier to navigate solo. I am still in the same house that my soon-to-be-ex and I have raised our two children in for the past twelve years. I am still waiting for my final court date that will make our divorce final, and I am still involved in my children's lives on pretty much a daily basis. As for that last part- I wish I could say the same about my ex, it is sad that I can't.

When I first sat and listened to my ex tell me he wanted out I was cool with his decision. It really seemed like the best thing, and even though it was hard to realize that it was happening, I was pretty happy. And don't get me wrong- I'm still very happy that he has left me. I constantly wonder how I put up with him for so very long after I fell out of love with him; the only explanation I have is that I was suffering from 'Stockholm Syndrome'. You know- when you get along with your captors so you can survive day to day. It is a subconscious decision your mind makes that puts you into survival mode so you can make it through the ordeal that you are undergoing at the time. And so it was for me- I put up with a most unsatisfactory relationship so I could move through the years intact. I took my marriage vows seriously.

Being able to stand away from my marriage and look into it with a bit of detachment has been painful in the very best way. I can see the mistakes that I have made, and I can see my (few) successes, too. So, this is what I have learned about myself since last I posted:

-I wasted far too much time being unhappy. I'm not sure why I did it- I think I was trying my best to keep my family intact. My own parents were divorced so I know firsthand what it is to not have a good relationship with my father. I thought that simply having my husband there to 'co-parent' with me was worth all the grief I was going through. I was wrong. My children have let me know that there was an underlying atmosphere of tension and unhappiness that they had to put up with and it has colored their entire childhood. I should have taken my children and left in 2003, like I wanted to. At that time my ex let me know that he wanted to be a part of his children's lives, so I gutted it out for them. My husband is not capable of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with other people, so all the intermittent years were a waste of time- he didn't take the time and effort to truly listen and be there for his children and today their relationships are in a poor state. I didn't know it wouldn't get better and the end result has been the same. Except for what it did to my children.

-I am a strong person. I have discovered that I have been the strong partner in my marriage, even though for years I thought I wasn't. I wasn't ever given any credit by my husband for what I gave up to be married to him; things such as pursuing my own career path- I do have a head for business, having a real say in how we saved/spent our mutual money, the respect that I should have had for being an exemplary military spouse for twenty years (that in itself is one of the most self sacrificing commitments that any spouse can ever take on.) I never complained about how we lived our lives even though I would have done some things differently, I thought I was doing my part for 'us' by supporting my husband 100 percent. I see now that it was never mutual for him. He expected me to follow blindly- he honestly was afraid to trust me and the path I might set us on. Since he has left our home I have come to realize that I will be fine. I will be better than fine- I will be wiser for the experience.

-I doubt that I will ever marry again. I have become jaded in my view of love and marriage and feel that marriage is an antiquated system that serves no real purpose for most people in our modern age. There can certainly be affection and good feelings about a person, but that shouldn't automatically lead to marriage and commitment. There isn't anything wrong with being with someone just to be with them and it doesn't have to always lead to marriage. Now I certainly understand that marriage is (at its core) a relationship based on sex and economics. Sex- for men, economic security for women. Pretty straight up. It seemed to serve its purpose for thousands of years.

We live in a new age- an age when women no longer are prisoners of their biology and social convention. We can chose when and if we will ever reproduce, and we are also able to support ourselves quite well. We also live longer than ever before, so the prospect of actually spending my entire life with just one person that I met when I was a teen (now) seems ludicrous to me. I know that even though I felt much older than my 21 years I was only 21 when I got married. It was much too young; I had a lot of life to experience, a lot of change to go through. And so did my ex.

-Lastly, I think that it's not really in my 'karma' to be a priority in someone's life- for someone to put me above all others; I certainly never was for my mother, my father, stepfather, and absolutely not for my husband. This isn't meant to be a self-serving statement, it is just fact. The notion of putting your mates needs above your own is supposed to be the 'romantic' basis for a marriage, so since that has never been a factor in my life I don't need to pursue marriage. When I layer on top of all that the fact that I have never had a positive male role model in my life I don't think that I would know a truly decent man if I actually met one. Marriage just doesn't seem like any kind of viable option for my future. It served its purpose in my past, but it is in my past. And I'm fine with that.

It has taken quite a while to come to these conclusions in my life, and some of the realizations I've made to get to this place have come hard. It's not easy to understand that when you set out on what you think is the 'right' course of life that it really isn't. And so it was with me- it took many years and a lot of negative experience for me to arrive at this place I am at now. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have done much differently and for a good many years there was nothing but positive life lessons for me. It's just that the past 15 years or so haven't been so positive, and I'm honestly not the kind of person who relishes dwelling on the schadenfreude of life. So, I will move forward with a positive outlook on life and be able to look forward to what is in store further on down this road.

The Ties That Bind...

A few minutes ago I texted my friend and told her that I had just cut up the joint credit card- in the check out at the military commissary. Right in front of the cashier, actually. I decided that it was time to stop using it, and the only way I could be sure not to was to cut it up. A bit dramatic? Maybe. What I hadn't counted on was the happiness and relief that came flooding over me when I handed the scissors back to the cashier.

The cashier was a bit surprised, but understood when I told her about what was going on in my life. She wished me well and asked if I had Jesus in my life. I told her, 'Yes, that is why I have a smile on my face right now." What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that the smile didn't fade for quite some time. The more I thought about what I had done the happier I became.

I realized that I had cut an enormous 'tie that binds' me to my soon to be ex. Up until now I have been using that seemingly benign piece of plastic as my weapon of choice; it has helped me to express my rage against my situation by letting me go crazy with retail therapy at the mall. It has helped me to keep tabs on what my ex has been doing since he moved out. It has also helped me to keep my children in line a bit- bribes every now and again. The credit card has always been a very big deal in my marriage and to suddenly have it gone is going to take some getting used to.

The best thing about not having it in my life any longer is the fact that I am going to start living guilt free; I was always made to feel extremely guilty for spending. And it really didn't make any difference on what it was. I wasn't really allowed to make a choice as to if I needed whatever it was or not- the act of using that card was a bad thing. So, since our break up I have used it wantonly and with great abandon. It felt fun, it felt good, but I guess enough is finally enough. I think I made my point with my ex, and that was the best part.

So, I now I have one less thing to cause me stress in my life. But don't despair- I have a back up plan already in place. I haven't been without a credit card in my name since I was 18 years old, and I'm not about to go without now. It's just that this time around I can look at it and feel really happy- it's mine, all mine. I don't have to share it with anyone and can use it as I see fit- and I like that feeling. It's makes me happier than any unlimited credit limit ever could.

Acceptance...

The last stage for Elisabeth Kubler Ross's seven stages of grief is acceptance. And I find myself there, after only seven months of my new reality. Since September, and the beginning of my journey to the 'new me' I have grown to accept what is happening in my life. Accept it and have gotten used to it.

I had my fortune read last night, Tarot cards, actually. My friend, who has been doing this since she was twelve, told me that I am in a deep rut in my life. And I know that I am, the deepest of my entire life. I am the kind of person who seems to roll with the punches, who takes the negative in stride and deals with it pretty well. The past few years have been hard, and they got much harder as I went along. I think I was afraid to throw in the towel and ACT on what I knew I needed to do, so the cumulative negative effects were exponentially worse than they needed to be. I just couldn't accept that I needed to act on moving on.

The past few months have been revelatory for me, I have welcomed the opportunity to 'indulge' in self discovery of the most intimate nature. What have I found? I found that there are certain aspects of my nature that I don't really like- procrastination being chief among them, but there are many things about myself that I DO like. Things such as having a true and loving heart. A sense of continued responsibility for my children as they grow older, a need to put myself at the top of the list (for a change). I have spent the past few months digging myself out of the very deep hole I had been creating for myself for such a long time. And it's been really nice to see some of the light of day that is really out there.

Self Satisfaction

After six months of indecision I finally have 'it' in hand. The article in question? My separation agreement. The document spelling out my new life paragraph by paragraph. I am experiencing an enormous amount of relief right about now. Relief that some decisions have been made, and that be they good or bad they are made.

Another interesting idea to note here: After almost thirty years of married life I finally have our relationship spelled out in plain English so we both can understand it clearly. I don't want to sound callous about such a huge chunk of my life, but I have had the feeling for quite a few years that money was really the only thing that my Ex ever measured my true worth by. As long as I was bringing in a paycheck I was good to go. If I 'had' to stay at home for whatever reason (such as relocating to another continent and having to find gainful employment or perhaps wanting to stay home to raise our children) then my value went down in his eyes. You think I kid. If I even have broached the subject here it is merely because Ex subliminally conveyed the idea to me.

So, now we have concrete guidelines on how the rest of our relationship will go.

Decisions, decisions...

Decisions have to be made, and sometimes it's really hard. But sometimes it's really easy. When they are hard then the dreaded 'P' word comes into play- procrastination. That is one of the worst words in the entire English language, to my way of thinking at least. When I have to make a really hard decision I feel like I am looking at this big nasty lump sitting in the middle of the room and I'm walking around in circles looking at it from all sides, hoping I can see something good from some other angle. Sometimes I do, but lots of times I don't. So I wait.

Procrastination is a poison to me, and has caused me a lot of angst and grief in my life. So, you would think I would have learned to work around it. But no..... not me. And I'm not too sure that procrastination and avoidance aren't almost one in the same, they certainly go hand in hand. This has been the story of my marriage, and I'm living with the very bad results of my procrastination and avoidance.

But, on the other hand there are the circumstances when the decisions come very easily. The decisions may not be fun ones to make, but when they flow and feel 'right' then it's an exciting thing to behold. I am thinking specifically of me - and my present living situation. I realized a few weeks ago, during a medium sized rain storm, that if I were ever to get any real peace and quiet then I'd have to physically move away from here. My soon-to-be-ex husband felt it was alright for him to insinuate himself into my world during the storm; he felt that it was of 'emergency quality', and felt very upset when I didn't feel the same and didn't readily want him around. Imagine that- me feeling like I could handle almost any circumstance that would crop up completely on my own. And that's when the thought came to me that I needed to remove myself from the area completely or he's going to continue to impose himself on my life. Some people may think I'm overreacting, but I know deep in my heart that I'm right. He's just like that.

Yes, I'm talking about an absolute change of scenery, I know- this seems like a trite and simple solution to a very basic problem, it's something that people do all of the time. But not me- it would make me look like I'm a 'quitter'. I may avoid a problem, but I certainly have never run away - surely there is a difference, right? Uh...

That is when I had an epiphany- I am going to move away. Yes, actually remove myself from this situation. And when this idea came to me it was as if an entire world had been lifted from my shoulders. There was no procrastination, no hesitation. The decision was made and it was right as rain. I knew it instantly, I didn't have to mull it over for a while before it sounded good to me, I didn't have to look at it in the middle of the room while examining it from all angles. Nope.

The only question I had was 'where?' I had to decide where I wanted to move to, I have the entire country at my beck and call and can go wherever I really want to. Well, I decided that I would return to where it all pretty much began for me; I'm going 'home'. I'm moving to Arizona. I have family there, I have a history there. It just seems right to me. I haven't lived there since I was a little kid, but I'm eager to go. I don't think I'm romanticizing it at all, it's a hot and dusty place, and not the easiest place to live. But I know what it's like and am willing to accept it. Not only that but when I asked my brothers and sister what they think they are all for it. So, this is one decision that has been made and I didn't have to push it over to one side and hope that it would take care of itself somehow. Procrastination didn't have to rear it's ugly head this time. Good for all of us.

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them. ~~Lewis Mumford

Life is settling down a bit for me, my daughter and I are getting into a new routine. And starting a new life together. The dust has settled for us, and we are enjoying a newly found calm, peace, and serenity in our home. But we don't live in a monastery, there is also plenty of laughter for us.

I think if my mother were still alive she would be pleased with our progress. She was a person who could find humor in almost any situation, and it certainly helped her to cope with life. I am thinking about all of this because I asked my son, who chose to live with his dad, if they were ever laughing at what was going on. His unsurprising answer: No. And for that I'm really sorry. My son is one of the (two) funniest people I've ever known, the other being my daughter. I can't imagine how stultifying it must be living with his father during this whole upheaval. Which, of course, is one of the reasons why I'm at the crossroads I am at now. I have to have some humor and laughter in my life- my husband is one of the most unfunny people I've ever known. I know it's not entirely his fault, I think it must be how he was raised, his mother's most 'humorous' joke is 'call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner.' Yup. She is a dear woman, but humor is just not her forte.

So, for years I had to live with that kind of humor as a baseline for day to day living. I guess that is why I'm really attracted to funny people. I certainly never married one. My oldest brother was my first foray into the funny side of life. He could make me laugh so hard that I'd wet my pants, or get hiccups. And even now we have the amazing ability to just say a word or two to each other and start the guffaws, it doesn't take much with us. When I listen to my son I wonder how he came to such an absurd view of life; he has this off-center way of looking at the reality of the universe, but is still quite funny and on target, too. I love him and his humor.

My daughter is much like I was when I was young. She lives in her own world and loves to make fun of the characters that inhabit her imagination. The great part is that she lets me in on her fun- her imagination is great, and her humor reflects her creativity constantly. She has tended to deal with all of our family's problems with humor and grace, lending a true light heart to what is really a dour situation at times. It is this outlook that has helped me to remember what is really important to me, the love and laughter of my family is intertwined in my life.

It is this gift of humor that I find to be one of the most precious gifts that we as humans can have. I know that in my case I tend to use it to envelope myself in, it protects me and shields me from so much that is hurtful. Life is hard enough as it is, and humor is just a basic coping mechanism. But, it is certainly one that I am quite happy to use on a daily basis, and right now I find that I'm using it more than ever. Good thing it doesn't ever wear out.

It's hard to be the object of abject humiliation, but this afternoon I certainly was. My husband and I had the (dreaded) yearly appointment with our accountant to go over our records for our taxes. And there I sat, with eyes downcast as our accountant let me know (in not so many words) that I really wasn't making his job any easier. I had failed on a grand scale to keep very accurate books for my husband's and my joint endeavors for the past year. The three of us had decided a year ago that we would start to put all of our accounts on computer software, thereby making our accountant's job easier to reconcile our tax bill. I'm sure he must have left our meeting scratching his head at my incompetence to do something as easy as using bookkeeping software.

If it were just this easy enough to explain away, but as I look back I see what I was doing to 'us' by not keeping our records straight. I think that I was merely 'checking out' of our entire business situation. I wanted to yell across that conference table today that my husband and I were divorcing because of this very thing; why should I put any effort into one of the key endeavors that left such heartache for me? For the past three years or so I have been all but begging my husband to make some changes in our business so we don't lose our shirts. And, until very recently he has turned a deaf ear to me. Our business dealings are only one of the (many) topics that I have been giving practically silent witness to for the past twenty years or so. And that silence wasn't of my own choosing- I just couldn't get heard by my husband. Apparently, the fact that he is currently my business partner really doesn't have much to do with anything.

Over the past month or so, ever since my husband has told me about his future plans, he has said to me, 'I guess I should have listened to you. You were right about...' as if that statement would cause me to go rushing right back into his arms for another twenty-nine years of wedded bliss. Well, as we all know his words certainly didn't have that effect on me. Actually, after the second or third time of hearing this I got mad and told my husband that his lack of paying real attention to me is a huge reason why I don't love him any longer. Plain respect. Such a simple concept for most people who are bound to one another to master, but not for my husband. I'm just not sure what buffoonery I committed to cause this reaction to me.

So, this afternoon as I sat listening to my well deserved scolding I thought about how I was going to change this situation. I guess that now that I'm going to be on my own it's time for me to step up to the plate and start anew. I think I'll finally take the time to learn this software and start keeping our accounts a bit better. I guess that I've finally been heard by my husband. And, if I really haven't been, then at least we'll have better kept records. That will surely please our accountant.