Decisions, decisions...

Decisions have to be made, and sometimes it's really hard. But sometimes it's really easy. When they are hard then the dreaded 'P' word comes into play- procrastination. That is one of the worst words in the entire English language, to my way of thinking at least. When I have to make a really hard decision I feel like I am looking at this big nasty lump sitting in the middle of the room and I'm walking around in circles looking at it from all sides, hoping I can see something good from some other angle. Sometimes I do, but lots of times I don't. So I wait.

Procrastination is a poison to me, and has caused me a lot of angst and grief in my life. So, you would think I would have learned to work around it. But no..... not me. And I'm not too sure that procrastination and avoidance aren't almost one in the same, they certainly go hand in hand. This has been the story of my marriage, and I'm living with the very bad results of my procrastination and avoidance.

But, on the other hand there are the circumstances when the decisions come very easily. The decisions may not be fun ones to make, but when they flow and feel 'right' then it's an exciting thing to behold. I am thinking specifically of me - and my present living situation. I realized a few weeks ago, during a medium sized rain storm, that if I were ever to get any real peace and quiet then I'd have to physically move away from here. My soon-to-be-ex husband felt it was alright for him to insinuate himself into my world during the storm; he felt that it was of 'emergency quality', and felt very upset when I didn't feel the same and didn't readily want him around. Imagine that- me feeling like I could handle almost any circumstance that would crop up completely on my own. And that's when the thought came to me that I needed to remove myself from the area completely or he's going to continue to impose himself on my life. Some people may think I'm overreacting, but I know deep in my heart that I'm right. He's just like that.

Yes, I'm talking about an absolute change of scenery, I know- this seems like a trite and simple solution to a very basic problem, it's something that people do all of the time. But not me- it would make me look like I'm a 'quitter'. I may avoid a problem, but I certainly have never run away - surely there is a difference, right? Uh...

That is when I had an epiphany- I am going to move away. Yes, actually remove myself from this situation. And when this idea came to me it was as if an entire world had been lifted from my shoulders. There was no procrastination, no hesitation. The decision was made and it was right as rain. I knew it instantly, I didn't have to mull it over for a while before it sounded good to me, I didn't have to look at it in the middle of the room while examining it from all angles. Nope.

The only question I had was 'where?' I had to decide where I wanted to move to, I have the entire country at my beck and call and can go wherever I really want to. Well, I decided that I would return to where it all pretty much began for me; I'm going 'home'. I'm moving to Arizona. I have family there, I have a history there. It just seems right to me. I haven't lived there since I was a little kid, but I'm eager to go. I don't think I'm romanticizing it at all, it's a hot and dusty place, and not the easiest place to live. But I know what it's like and am willing to accept it. Not only that but when I asked my brothers and sister what they think they are all for it. So, this is one decision that has been made and I didn't have to push it over to one side and hope that it would take care of itself somehow. Procrastination didn't have to rear it's ugly head this time. Good for all of us.

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them. ~~Lewis Mumford

Life is settling down a bit for me, my daughter and I are getting into a new routine. And starting a new life together. The dust has settled for us, and we are enjoying a newly found calm, peace, and serenity in our home. But we don't live in a monastery, there is also plenty of laughter for us.

I think if my mother were still alive she would be pleased with our progress. She was a person who could find humor in almost any situation, and it certainly helped her to cope with life. I am thinking about all of this because I asked my son, who chose to live with his dad, if they were ever laughing at what was going on. His unsurprising answer: No. And for that I'm really sorry. My son is one of the (two) funniest people I've ever known, the other being my daughter. I can't imagine how stultifying it must be living with his father during this whole upheaval. Which, of course, is one of the reasons why I'm at the crossroads I am at now. I have to have some humor and laughter in my life- my husband is one of the most unfunny people I've ever known. I know it's not entirely his fault, I think it must be how he was raised, his mother's most 'humorous' joke is 'call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner.' Yup. She is a dear woman, but humor is just not her forte.

So, for years I had to live with that kind of humor as a baseline for day to day living. I guess that is why I'm really attracted to funny people. I certainly never married one. My oldest brother was my first foray into the funny side of life. He could make me laugh so hard that I'd wet my pants, or get hiccups. And even now we have the amazing ability to just say a word or two to each other and start the guffaws, it doesn't take much with us. When I listen to my son I wonder how he came to such an absurd view of life; he has this off-center way of looking at the reality of the universe, but is still quite funny and on target, too. I love him and his humor.

My daughter is much like I was when I was young. She lives in her own world and loves to make fun of the characters that inhabit her imagination. The great part is that she lets me in on her fun- her imagination is great, and her humor reflects her creativity constantly. She has tended to deal with all of our family's problems with humor and grace, lending a true light heart to what is really a dour situation at times. It is this outlook that has helped me to remember what is really important to me, the love and laughter of my family is intertwined in my life.

It is this gift of humor that I find to be one of the most precious gifts that we as humans can have. I know that in my case I tend to use it to envelope myself in, it protects me and shields me from so much that is hurtful. Life is hard enough as it is, and humor is just a basic coping mechanism. But, it is certainly one that I am quite happy to use on a daily basis, and right now I find that I'm using it more than ever. Good thing it doesn't ever wear out.

It's hard to be the object of abject humiliation, but this afternoon I certainly was. My husband and I had the (dreaded) yearly appointment with our accountant to go over our records for our taxes. And there I sat, with eyes downcast as our accountant let me know (in not so many words) that I really wasn't making his job any easier. I had failed on a grand scale to keep very accurate books for my husband's and my joint endeavors for the past year. The three of us had decided a year ago that we would start to put all of our accounts on computer software, thereby making our accountant's job easier to reconcile our tax bill. I'm sure he must have left our meeting scratching his head at my incompetence to do something as easy as using bookkeeping software.

If it were just this easy enough to explain away, but as I look back I see what I was doing to 'us' by not keeping our records straight. I think that I was merely 'checking out' of our entire business situation. I wanted to yell across that conference table today that my husband and I were divorcing because of this very thing; why should I put any effort into one of the key endeavors that left such heartache for me? For the past three years or so I have been all but begging my husband to make some changes in our business so we don't lose our shirts. And, until very recently he has turned a deaf ear to me. Our business dealings are only one of the (many) topics that I have been giving practically silent witness to for the past twenty years or so. And that silence wasn't of my own choosing- I just couldn't get heard by my husband. Apparently, the fact that he is currently my business partner really doesn't have much to do with anything.

Over the past month or so, ever since my husband has told me about his future plans, he has said to me, 'I guess I should have listened to you. You were right about...' as if that statement would cause me to go rushing right back into his arms for another twenty-nine years of wedded bliss. Well, as we all know his words certainly didn't have that effect on me. Actually, after the second or third time of hearing this I got mad and told my husband that his lack of paying real attention to me is a huge reason why I don't love him any longer. Plain respect. Such a simple concept for most people who are bound to one another to master, but not for my husband. I'm just not sure what buffoonery I committed to cause this reaction to me.

So, this afternoon as I sat listening to my well deserved scolding I thought about how I was going to change this situation. I guess that now that I'm going to be on my own it's time for me to step up to the plate and start anew. I think I'll finally take the time to learn this software and start keeping our accounts a bit better. I guess that I've finally been heard by my husband. And, if I really haven't been, then at least we'll have better kept records. That will surely please our accountant.

Yes, it finally happened. I had 'the' meltdown today. Elisabeth Kubler Ross described the signs of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, as of today I think I'm in the second stage- anger. Up until this morning I must have been living in denial- I was ignoring the fact that my standard of living is going to change drastically within a relatively short amount of time. But I have been conditioning myself and living with this denial for quite a few years, and now that separation and divorce are a concrete fact of my life I'm getting to the anger of it all. I'm feeling the 'unfairness' of everything.

Here is the crux of my problem with being married to my husband. I thought it would be 'forever' and that we would always have each other to count on. Before I married my husband I had figured that I would be an independent woman, a woman who could take care of herself and fulfill herself- I wasn't going to go on a 'manhunt' for a husband. Nope, not me. The usual 'modern' claptrap that my generation has grown up listening to. Then I made the mistake of listening to my boyfriend and got married before I ever graduated from college. I had one more year, but figured I could certainly finish 'later'. But 'later' never appeared. Every time we moved somewhere the educational facilities for me and my degree just were not available, unless I wanted to work towards an Associate's degree in Food Services or Mechanics. I got no encouragement from my husband to ever finish my education, so eventually my thoughts of college faded away. All while my husband managed to obtain a Master's degree in business. Looks like his 'career' was all set.

I did alright without my degree, but just alright. Being married to a military officer meant that I was going to buck the system by being a 'working wife', but I did it for as long as I could, until we started our family. Then I became a 'working mother', then we moved three times in three years, hardly time to get settled, much less work at a career. In the end I settled for not so much a 'career' to fall back on, but a steady paycheck to get us a bit ahead.

When we finally settled where we are now I got my real estate license and got busy. I worked steadily for seven years, doing the usual juggle that all working mothers do. On top of being on call 24/7 and having a child who needed extensive therapy for several years. Not easy to do, but I did manage it. Everything was going fairly well, until my husband told me he didn't have any need for me to be in real estate any longer and that I should find a different job. So, there it was- I really didn't have a 'career', I still only had a 'job'. Not much to fall back on.

Eventually I did quit real estate, the stress was really very hard on my psyche and my physique. I have been home for the past six years. And in that time I have battled major depression, a minor stroke, spontaneous hives, plantar facitis, removal of one half of my thyroid, and I am pre-diabetic. And I'm not quite fifty years old. I haven't really wanted to be so self absorbed, but I guess I just can't help it. With all of this it isn't hard to see why I haven't exactly been in the right frame of mind to start in on that 'career' thing again. Not sure what my new 'career' would actually consist of at this point.

So, that leads me to my hissy fit today. I can't even get hired by Target for an hourly wage job. After all this time, and after all the experience I have. I'm not 'old', I'm 'mature'. I am a very personable person when I'm talking to the public. I even know how to make change without a cash register telling me how. I have all the qualifications necessary for my place in the retail world. But the retail world doesn't want me. And I'm just flabbergasted. And angry. I'm not terribly interested in something that is 'entry level' at this point, but I'm afraid that is all I'm going to get- if I'm lucky.

I'm not sure how long this stage is going to last, I have a heck of a lot of anger to work out of my system finally. I had kept it repressed for so many years that it really made me sick. Now that all of this is out in the open I'm hoping to move on to the next stage quickly. Which will be bargaining- I don't really need to make a pact with fate to give me more time. I don't have anything to bargain away, my self respect is already gone. It's time to go forward from now on. Then I can move on to depression. Oh wait, I already have done the depression thing, so it looks like acceptance is going to come next. So, I guess I am that much ahead already. I'm sure the time for acceptance is going to be at hand soon, I think I'll be eager to get there so I can start to rebuild my life. I'm looking forward to it.

I have been listening to Gloria Gaynor's disco hit 'I Will Survive' going on a nonstop loop in my brain for several days now. I get that way, I honestly don't think I really need a radio or iPod as I have a huge catalog of music that I can recall almost at will. And then there is that odd moment between sleep and the beginning of the day when I will recall the music I have been sleeping with and it becomes my 'theme of the day'. That must have been where Gloria came into all of this.

No matter how trite it may sound, Gloria is correct- I will survive all of this. What have I been doing for the past few days? I've been getting the new house ready for it's new Master. Pulling down wallpaper, cleaning the bathrooms, getting new carpet installed - the usual stuff that I do when we have a vacant rental. Why am I going to all this trouble for someone who is going to be out of my life soon?

Well, I think it has to do with two things; habit and permanence. It is just habit to go into one of my rentals and make it all nice. Shoot, I've done that in anticipation of complete strangers, so why not for someone I know- even if I don't like him very well these days. And then the second thing, if I make it nice then the chances of him returning to me diminish greatly. Heck, I've been imagining asking a neighbor of ours (who knows lots of single school teacher types) to fix him up with a little honey of his own. Her buds like to 'partay' and would love the chance to be around him. I honestly might do just this very thing.

I know my tone tonight is pretty smarmy, a real smart alec. As I was scraping wallpaper in the second room I've done over there I got to thinking about before I had ever met my husband. (Cue 'Foreplay/Longtime' by Boston, it was on the radio then and now). I was pretty much alone then, I was only seventeen but had left home, and I was pretty resourceful. I had a job, was saving for college, and was just preparing for my future. No man had to show me the direction that he thought I should be traveling in, or what ever else he felt that I should do so I could fit into his life. I was master of my very own destiny, and it felt very good to me. Back then I assumed the mantle of responsibility for my own self quite easily, I had been very independent as a child.

Then I met my future husband and all thoughts about 'self' were gone. I had been raised to think that it was rather romantic for two people to meld completely and become one personality. It was just the way my generation was raised, I guess. The one thing that we really didn't ever take into consideration was the fact that we really were two separate entities, no matter how deeply we felt about one another we could never have the same exact set of experiences and personality traits to make us identical. We could never truly be 'one', there would always be some little foible that made us each individuals.

Individuals who should have respect and affection for each other. But somehow all that kind of fell by the wayside in my case. My husband never had true respect for me, and in turn I lost all affection for him. Harsh words to put down into real thoughts, but true. It took me quite a few years to realize what was missing in my life, and what I had given up in the name of 'love'. I should be ashamed to have so freely given up my very sense of self so easily to another person who really didn't appreciate what I had done for the sake of 'us'. Make no mistake, it wasn't a 'gift' I was giving, it was more like I just jettisoned my own goals, plans, future dreams, career desires and sense of being along side the road of life. Kind of like when we moved to another duty station we would leave a part of our lives behind us. I was the ultimate 'people pleaser', I would do whatever it took to make my marriage work and keep my husband happy. I never minded giving more than my fair share, I always felt the love, patience, and respect I put forth into my marriage would come back to me ten-fold.

Only I was completely wrong. I hated to admit it, and I certainly overlooked a lot that was wrong with us for many years. When we had been together for about fourteen years the cracks in the facade starting showing, but by then it was too late. We had one child and I wasn't sure how I would provide for him if I was alone. So I just swallowed my growing doubts and moved along with life. I had another child, moved a few more times, and when the dust settled I began to see our relationship for what it was- lousy.

I had finally become a true non-entity to the man I had pledged my life to. I was an emotional and verbal whipping post for someone who didn't have the courage to deal with his own tightly wound frustrations and lack of 'control' over the same everyday things that no one has control of. His idea of 'dealing' with life was to take it out on the person handiest to him, which would be me. His rational was that he was secure in our relationship. He must have subconsciously figured that he had beaten me down spiritually and had no where else to go, so I would stay put and live with his ranting. By the way, he is in excellent health these days; low blood pressure, good cholesterol count, trim build. His method of dealing with the stresses of modern life was to heap them on me.

It took my own struggles with depression and my own health issues to finally open my eyes to what had happened to me, much of what I was dealing with was caused by stress and unhappiness. It was a gradual descent, of course, so that what was happening to me wasn't easy to see at the time. But finally enough time has passed that the 'me' that had been buried all those years ago eventually surfaced again. I have stayed in this marriage longer than I really should have, but finally things are looking up and my world is changing for the absolute better. I have survived the past thirty odd years, not always well, but I'm still here. Which is what Gloria Gaynor really sings about; it's not about surviving with the best cars, the most money in the bank, or whatever material things that you once deemed important. It's about surviving with your sense of self' intact. That precious sense of being your own person is worth more than can be quantified. Believe me, I know from personal experience. Time to cue Johnny Nash, "I Can See Clearly Now".

Today is my husband's and my twenty-ninth wedding anniversary. When I agreed to marry my husband I had every intention of staying true to all of my wedding vows, I was nothing if not earnest in my intentions. I'm not sure if it was the naivety of youth that made me think that I would be able to see all the way to the end of Time, or just what, but as I look back there are times when I feel like these past years have gone in the blink of an eye. Then again there are times when it seems as if the present is never ending.

So, how did I spend today? Well, it was with my husband, but instead of spending time doing something really enjoyable I spent most of the day stripping wallpaper from the kitchen walls in his new home. It was kind of bittersweet, if you can think of it that way. I want to make sure that he's comfortable when he settles in, because as I've said before - I don't hate him. So, our current project is to make his home ready for his imminent arrival.

For two people who have decided to go their separate ways this is pretty weird; my soon-to-be-ex has been deferring to me on all decisions having to do with the interior redecorating of his home. I guess it's because I certainly know what he likes and dislikes, but I also have the feeling that he is a bit overwhelmed with the decisions he is making. Starting out on a new life is usually not terribly easy, my handling of the redecorating is just one less thing he has to really worry about. So, I don't mind.

I really don't want to make any sort of blanket statements about our time together. There are really just too many things that go into spending twenty nine years with someone to be able to lump them all into one or two sentences. But I will say that our life together honestly has never been terribly dull. I think I can also say that we used to make a pretty good team; whether it was while he was in the Army and I was his 'Army Wife' - a place where teamwork is always appreciated, or while we were working towards the goal of saving money for the down payment on our first home. Those were really great things to work together for, and I think we can be proud of those accomplishments.

I'm not trying to 'wax poetic' about our life together, and I'm not looking back fondly. What I am trying to do is to reassure myself that we certainly did start out very much in love and looked forward to what our future was going to be. I think that the one thing that we didn't count on is how the very life together that we were eager to begin would also be the thing that really made us very unhappy, too. So unhappy that it has colored the last ten years very badly.

For that I'm very sad, and very sorry. But, I am still very proud of the twenty nine years that we did manage to eke out. There honestly aren't a lot of couples around today who have that kind of track record, so at least I can take some comfort in the fact that even though I really didn't see the end of Time I did see a whole lot more than most couples ever do.

Is it really only Day Four around here? It seems like this is the longest week I can remember in quite a while. I'm not sure how things could be so quiet and humdrum one day, then twenty four hours later it's all upside down. Such is this thing we call 'Life'.

If I had any doubts about things moving forward I think I can erase them; my husband has told his boss and family, which signals to me that he is intent on leaving. I wasn't privy to any of these conversations, and don't really know what I will do when I have the chance to speak to my parents-in-law. I just know that no matter what has gone on they will always be my family. This whole issue is probably one of the hardest I have had to deal with -so far. But I do know that both of my husband's parents are very loving and non-judgmental, I just hope that if/when I'm given the chance to explain my point of view they will still love me and want to have contact with me. It's never easy to just let people that you have known and loved so very well for most of your life move out of it.

For some reason my day today has been filled with the beginnings of tying up loose ends in our relationship. My husband and I are business partners and he is just beginning to realize that some of the things I have been saying for the past five years in regards to our business really are true. Imagine that, I could have been correct all along. That is something that is pretty darned bittersweet to hear at this point, considering all of the friction that we have given each other in that time. Perhaps a bit more respect for my knowledge would have been a nice thing to have but unfortunately being right isn't going to help us recoup money that we certainly could use to help fund our new lives.

So, I applied for a job at Target this morning. I'm sure that it is a nice place to work, as far as hourly wage positions go, but the thought of having to punch a time clock really is not one that I look forward to. I guess I need to update what limited skills I do have, as I have no desire to pinch pennies and do without at this stage of the game. I feel like I'm smarter than that, and really want to put those hours of the day to better use than for minimum wage. I've been working on the alternative for a while now, hopefully I can make a living at it before Katie is out of school.

I also went to 'reclaim' a rental property that is suddenly vacant. I wasn't too happy with the looks of it, but all the things that are wrong are really just cosmetic and all of that is quite fixable by me. So, starting tomorrow that is what I'm going to do- fix it. This property is the one that my husband is moving to, and it's depressing enough to move from our current home, but the thought of moving into that place in the current state it's in is too much even for me. So, I'm going to start cleaning and painting. OK, so even if we are talking divorce here I still don't want him to feel the classic feelings that the husband gets the short end of the stick. I want our 'playing field' to be as even as possible. Besides that, I want to make sure that I'm seen to be 'doing my part', or something along those lines. When it comes right down to it I think I will always be somewhat of a 'people pleaser' and that certainly applied to my marriage.

I think it's going to take some time for me to 'deprogram' from this whole relationship thing.

When two people decide to dissolve their marriage there is so much that has to be ironed out, and it comes at a time when the people don't particularly want to talk to each other, much less discuss things that are going to carry down through the years. It's a difficult process, but one thing remains certain- everything is going to change.

Right now I'm concerned with money- and that is probably the subject that looms biggest for me. It probably shouldn't be, but it is. (Can you tell? It's the second topic of my blog.) My kids are almost all grown and ready to leave, and I have a house full of stuff that can be divided up. So, it comes down to the greenback. One of the sticking points of our marriage is that my husband has had the most earning power, and I have been on the sidelines making paltry little during the past twenty-nine years. Yes, I said twenty-nine years. In one more week that is how long we have been married. And while hubby's career has taken off quite well, I've been relegated to the sidelines. So, I'm looking at being worse than broke, if I don't figure out how to really increase my earning power.

During our marriage I held a series of low paying jobs; working as a cashier at a Chinese restaurant in Augusta, Georgia, McDonald's then in a gift shop in Sierra Vista, Arizona, then finally a bit of a career working Civil Service in Germany. Which I also picked up after the birth of our son, in Utah. After that it was downhill; the next three years saw us move three different times, pretty difficult to keep any kind of career going with that kind of record. And for the record; my husband was a career Army Officer, so our transitory lifestyle should make some sense to you now.

When we settled here where we presently live there was the pull of my wanting to stay home to raise our children vs. letting strangers do it in a daycare scenario. Going to work won out, but it wasn't the smartest job. I worked in real estate for six years, then gave that up. The stress between working and trying to keep my husband happy proved too much. We had invested quite prudently in several properties that I found, and when my husband was content with our holdings he told me he didn't have any use for my current job, so I should quit. And that is the truth, I'm not making it up. So, after a couple of tense years I finally had enough and did quit. I opted out to stay home and try to focus on our kids. I'm pretty sure that was the right thing to do. Even if my husband has doubts.

So, in between loads of laundry and dinner prep I'm going to find gainful employment doing something. I have the feeling I know what it is, after all the Holiday season is right around the corner and I'm sure some places will be hiring temporarily. Not a pleasant prospect, but I guess I'm going to have to do what I must. No pithy ending to this entry, just a straight up fact.

I find myself in a state of transition, real transition now. For the past ten years I've been thinking about this day, wondering what I would actually do if it ever came to pass. And now I think it's going to. I'm talking about finally finding myself alone, not lonely mind you, just alone. My marriage has been disintegrating for quite some time, over a decade actually. Which can be quite a long stretch of time, and during all that time I continually told my spouse to 'leave me alone', and now it seems that he is going to. So, I'm going to eventually get my way. Finally.

Am I happy? Well, that remains to be seen. For years my spouse kept asking me if I was 'happy', or what he could do to make me 'happy'. These kinds of questions would seem to be the inquiries of someone who was concerned with my well being, but in reality they were posed with less than kindness in their tone, so I dismissed them. I always knew the motivation behind these questions; if I were 'happy' again then I could once again concentrate my focus on fulfilling his needs, which would return our marriage to the status quo. My husband thought that there was some sort of magical something that I was lacking that he could do to make everything alright again. I think he was hoping that it would be that easy. He always said that he wanted me to change back to how I 'used' to be years before. What he didn't take into account was the fact that he was different, too. But it wasn't so much his changing as mine that he found fault with. And gradually over the course of many years my changing has brought me to this place in the world.

So, where am I this morning? I think a lot of people would describe this point in their lives as standing on a precipice looking down onto the jagged rocks of uncertainty wondering how they would avoid them when they did take the plunge. But there is a lot more involved than that. I think that for the past few years I've been mentally preparing myself for this eventuality, so I'm not sitting around in shock and disbelief. No, right now I'm trying to get my laundry caught up, and I'm trying to plan something for dinner. Fairly everyday kinds of activities, for sure. But I've had a few years to get used to the idea that I could have another life; I will admit that when my husband and I were talking about this yesterday I thought to myself, 'I can't believe that we are having this conversation.' It was pretty surreal. And painful, I certainly don't enjoy making my husband unhappy to the point of tears. That has certainly never been my intention, however I am pretty foolish if I think we can get through this without them. I guess the big goal is to minimize them as much as we both can.