The Ties That Bind...

A few minutes ago I texted my friend and told her that I had just cut up the joint credit card- in the check out at the military commissary. Right in front of the cashier, actually. I decided that it was time to stop using it, and the only way I could be sure not to was to cut it up. A bit dramatic? Maybe. What I hadn't counted on was the happiness and relief that came flooding over me when I handed the scissors back to the cashier.

The cashier was a bit surprised, but understood when I told her about what was going on in my life. She wished me well and asked if I had Jesus in my life. I told her, 'Yes, that is why I have a smile on my face right now." What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that the smile didn't fade for quite some time. The more I thought about what I had done the happier I became.

I realized that I had cut an enormous 'tie that binds' me to my soon to be ex. Up until now I have been using that seemingly benign piece of plastic as my weapon of choice; it has helped me to express my rage against my situation by letting me go crazy with retail therapy at the mall. It has helped me to keep tabs on what my ex has been doing since he moved out. It has also helped me to keep my children in line a bit- bribes every now and again. The credit card has always been a very big deal in my marriage and to suddenly have it gone is going to take some getting used to.

The best thing about not having it in my life any longer is the fact that I am going to start living guilt free; I was always made to feel extremely guilty for spending. And it really didn't make any difference on what it was. I wasn't really allowed to make a choice as to if I needed whatever it was or not- the act of using that card was a bad thing. So, since our break up I have used it wantonly and with great abandon. It felt fun, it felt good, but I guess enough is finally enough. I think I made my point with my ex, and that was the best part.

So, I now I have one less thing to cause me stress in my life. But don't despair- I have a back up plan already in place. I haven't been without a credit card in my name since I was 18 years old, and I'm not about to go without now. It's just that this time around I can look at it and feel really happy- it's mine, all mine. I don't have to share it with anyone and can use it as I see fit- and I like that feeling. It's makes me happier than any unlimited credit limit ever could.

Acceptance...

The last stage for Elisabeth Kubler Ross's seven stages of grief is acceptance. And I find myself there, after only seven months of my new reality. Since September, and the beginning of my journey to the 'new me' I have grown to accept what is happening in my life. Accept it and have gotten used to it.

I had my fortune read last night, Tarot cards, actually. My friend, who has been doing this since she was twelve, told me that I am in a deep rut in my life. And I know that I am, the deepest of my entire life. I am the kind of person who seems to roll with the punches, who takes the negative in stride and deals with it pretty well. The past few years have been hard, and they got much harder as I went along. I think I was afraid to throw in the towel and ACT on what I knew I needed to do, so the cumulative negative effects were exponentially worse than they needed to be. I just couldn't accept that I needed to act on moving on.

The past few months have been revelatory for me, I have welcomed the opportunity to 'indulge' in self discovery of the most intimate nature. What have I found? I found that there are certain aspects of my nature that I don't really like- procrastination being chief among them, but there are many things about myself that I DO like. Things such as having a true and loving heart. A sense of continued responsibility for my children as they grow older, a need to put myself at the top of the list (for a change). I have spent the past few months digging myself out of the very deep hole I had been creating for myself for such a long time. And it's been really nice to see some of the light of day that is really out there.